This post is the fifth in a series I’ve been writing on Beta Lessons (formerly called “What My Beta Readers Have Taught Me”). Links to the first four posts in the series are at the end.
This week, I thought it might be fun to share some of the changes I’ve made to the opening scene of Vaetra Unveiled based on the feedback I got from my critique partners. I’ll show you the “before” version that the beta readers received, their comments, and the “after” version as it is now. I’ll also share my thoughts on which suggestions I accepted and which ones I did not.
By necessity, this post is a long one. You might want to grab a cup of your favorite caffeinated beverage and settle in for a bit.
Before (Excerpt from Vaetra Unveiled, Second Draft)
The note had my name on it. I unfolded the small scrap of paper and read the scrawled words inside: “Need help. Meet at Inn at dusk. Can pay.”
I looked up at Borlan, a sturdy man who was both my friend and part-time employer. We stood in the sparsely furnished reception area of the Raven Company offices, next to the front desk where Borlan met with new clients. “Who dropped this off?”
Borlan shrugged. “I didn’t see…just heard the front door open and shut. It was on the front desk when I came downstairs. Know what it’s about?”
I shook my head, turning the paper over in my hand and scowling. “No idea. And the note isn’t much help.”
“Hmmm…a mystery then. A bit shady, but I like the ‘can pay’ part,” he added, pointing a thick and scarred finger at the note in my hands.
“We’ll see. If the money’s worth the work, I can’t really afford to turn it down.” I slipped the paper into my pocket. “Whoever it is must know something about me and what I do here.” I worked for Borlan at the Raven Company as a contract investigator, and the note specifically had my name on it.
Borlan nodded. “Or knows someone who does.”
“I guess I’ll find out at dusk. Any other prospects?” I asked hopefully. Things had been slow lately. Even the regular contracts for guards and mercenary soldiers were disappointingly thin at the moment. We’d had even fewer of the investigative services contracts that I preferred to work.
Borlan pursed his lips and shook his head. “Somethin’ comes up, you’ll be first to know. Finding work for you would be good for us all.” He’d be happy because my contracts were some of the most lucrative, and Raven Company got a cut of whatever I made on a job. “We did get work for two of the men. They’re escorting a wagon from Delta to Plains End. Small job, but it’s something.”
“Good to hear,” I said. “Maybe this will turn into something good too,” I added, patting the pocket with the note.
“Well, I’d better get back to the inn. Dusk is only an hour or two away and Dela needs me to help her with something. I’ll let you know how the meeting goes.” I raised my hand in farewell and headed toward the door.
“That girl will have you married and settled down as an innkeeper before the year is out,” Borlan said with a laugh as I opened the door.
“Let’s see if we can’t get me some more work here so that isn’t necessary,” I said wryly over my shoulder as I opened the door to leave.
“Which, being an innkeeper or getting married?” Borlan asked jokingly.
I closed the door behind me without answering.
Beta Reader/Critique Partner Comments
Now that you’ve seen what my critique partners saw, here’s what they had to say about it. My thoughts about their comments are in brackets and italicized.
Reader 1
— good intro, note sets up suspense
— consider deleting/revising parts of dialogue
(“Hmmm…a mystery then. A bit shady, but I like the ‘can pay’ part,” he added,pointing a thick and scarred finger at the note in my hands.
“We’ll see. If the money’s worth the work, I can’t really afford to turn it down.” I slipped the paper into my pocket. “Whoever it is must know something about me and what I do here.”)
Try to avoid using “soap opera” dialogue effect (using it to convey too much information). You have a first person narrator, so you can talk about more what J is thinking, which will also serve to expand on his character details and/or history. For instance, instead of “can’t afford” you can talk about some specific bills coming due, which conveys the same idea but more indirectly, and with more description of the world (if he owes his blacksmith, you know already, ok, this isn’t the Jetsons).
[Point taken, regarding soap-opera dialog. In general, I need to let the thoughts and actions of the characters carry the subtext of the story as much as possible.]
–Connect dialogue in more to flow of conversation, so “he said” here and there. It’s OK to have some just hanging in quotes, but probably not lots. That said, avoid adverbs (-ly) as much as possible (no “he said hopefully, wryly, jokingly”). If the reader can’t tell the tone of the dialogue from the words, keep tweaking the words until you can. In all those spots, the tone is clear, so you don’t need to clarify.
[I’ve seen conflicting advice on conversation tags. Some writers seem to think you should leave them out if the speaker is fairly obvious from the context of the conversation. Apparently, it wasn’t obvious enough in this scene because we don’t know enough about these two men to easily recognize their speech. As for adverbs, this turned out to be a huge problem throughout the novel, and I’ve been working hard to correct it.]
— I worked for Borlan at the Raven Company as a contract investigator,Consider mentioning how long he has been an investigator (e.g., been an investigator for 3 years, ever since I was forced to retire from the guard – adding that detail earlier will great more suspense and curiosity about why he is no longer in the guard, will pull the reader forward).
[I took this as good advice on where I might add detail. I intentionally left detail out of my first draft and added in what I thought was necessary in the second. My beta readers helped substantially to point out where that detail was lacking.]
— love this
“That girl will have you married and settled down as an innkeeper before the year is out,” Borlan said with a laugh as I opened the door.”Let’s see if we can’t get me some more work here so that isn’t necessary,” I said wryly over my shoulder as I opened the door to leave.
sets up dynamic with Dela in an interesting, subtle way, so that the reader will want to know more of what’s up, but is already primed to look for oddities in the relationship between them.
[All of my readers pointed out what they liked as well as what they thought needed work. I found that helpful when reading their comments as the positive remarks made me feel like the novel wasn’t ALL bad!]
Reader 2
· Add something to Chapter 1 that lets us know that this is a syfy/fantasy story.
[I intentionally wanted to start off showing how “normal” Jaylan’s life is before introducing magic and fantastical creatures. On the other hand, it did make sense to layer in more elements that would show this wasn’t a modern-day setting.]
· I’d include at least Borlan’s last name and even a description of him.
[Good idea.]
· Eliminate the sentence: “And the note isn’t much help.” That’s obvious and doesn’t need to be stated.
[Done.]
Reader 3
Borlan needs more of a description. Does he have any scars? Any other distinguishing features?
[See what I mean about beta readers helping to point out where more description and character development is needed?]
“We stood in the sparsely furnished reception area…” When I read this I think we are in modern times, yet later I found out we are not.
Would you have paper? Should he have left a parchment?
“Raven Company as a contract investigator” again sounds very much like modern times. Not sure this fits with the story
“investigative services contracts” just does not fit with the times
[I had a problem with using modern-sounding terms in several locations in the book. This reader did a lot to help me excise them.]
Last line of Page 1 is a one line sentence. I personally do not like one line sentences. Can you add more here?
“I closed the door behind me without answering. I walked away thinking about this strange meeting I had coming up tonight. I wondered why Borlan was so concerned with Dela having me married and running an inn. Oh well, no time for speculation right now. I had more pressing matters at hand.”
[I personally DO like the one-line-sentence ending to a chapter, particularly if it is a provocative remark that pushes me forward. My other readers liked that too. However, in this case, I did change the way the scene ended, which addressed this reader’s concern.
Another thing I’ll mention is that readers occasionally provided copy for the changes they were suggesting, as was done here. I never used those examples as written. If I thought the overall suggestion was a good one, I wrote it in my own words.]
You can probably tell that Reader 1 has a writing background. In fact, she has an MFA and is indeed a writer herself. Throughout the beta program, her feedback was consistently thorough and immeasurably valuable. She frequently included comments to tell me what she liked as well as what she thought needed fixing.
This is obviously a small selection of comments, but these three readers gave me excellent feedback, particularly at the beginning of the beta period (I released the 25 chapters in 7 installments).
My remarks on their feedback give you a feel for what I was thinking when I sat down to revise this first scene. The next section shows you what I came up with.
After (Excerpt from Vaetra Unveiled, Third Draft)
The folded piece of parchment was sealed with a tiny dot of red wax. It had my name on it: “Jaylan Forester.” I pealed the note open and read the words scrawled inside. “Need help. Meet at Inn at dusk. Can pay.”
I looked up at Captain Borlan Koster, his deep brown eyes watching my green ones. He was leaning over his desk, bracing his sturdy dark frame with his fists on the stained surface. His stance would be intimidating to people who didn’t know him, but Borlan had been my friend and my boss for more than a year. We stood in the sparsely furnished entry area at the Northshore town chapter of the Raven Company, next to the front desk where Borlan met with clients. “Who dropped this off?” I asked.
Borlan shrugged. “I didn’t see. I just heard the front door open and shut. The note was on the front desk when I came downstairs. What’s it about?”
I shook my head, turning the note over in my hand and scowling. “No idea. The note just says to meet at the Inn later.” I handed it to Borlan.
He grinned as he read the note. “I like the ‘can pay’ part,” he said, handing it back to me. The dark skin of his scarred hand contrasted sharply with the light, freckled skin of mine. We were physical opposites of one another; he was tall, dark, and bulky with short-cropped black hair, while I was lean, pale, average in height, and wore my long red hair tied behind my back. When people saw us walking together, they often did a double-take.
“We’ll see. If the coin is worth the work, I won’t turn it down.” I slipped the note into my pocket. “Whoever it is must know something about me and what I do here.”
Borlan nodded. “Or knows someone who does.”
The Raven Company mostly employed mercenary soldiers who worked as guards for hire. I did that kind of work when necessary, but my skills and background made me more valuable to Borlan as a problem solver. I was better than most people at finding things that were lost and digging out the truth when it was hidden. If the person who wrote the note just needed a bodyguard, Borlan would have been the logical addressee, and any Raven Company man could have done the job.
“I guess I’ll find out at dusk. Any other prospects?” I asked. Business had been slow lately. The regular contracts for bodyguards and caravan guards were disappointingly thin at the moment, and we’d had even fewer of the contracts that took advantage of my skills.
Borlan pursed his lips and shook his head. “Something comes up, you’ll be first to know. Finding work for you would be good for all of us.” He’d be happy because my contracts were some of the most lucrative, and Raven Company got a cut of whatever I made on a job. “We did get work for two men, and I assigned Kefer and Peltor to it. They’re escorting a wagon from Delta to Plains End. Small job, but it’s something.”
“Good to hear,” I said. “Maybe this will turn into something good too,” I added, patting the pocket with the note. “Well, I’d better get back to the inn. Dusk is only an hour or two away and Dela needs me to help her with something. I’ll let you know how the meeting goes.” I raised my hand in farewell and headed toward the door.
“That girl will have you married and settled down as an innkeeper before the year is out,” Borlan said with a laugh.
“Let’s see if we can get me some more work here so that isn’t necessary,” I said wryly over my shoulder as I opened the door to leave.
“Which, being an innkeeper or getting married?” Borlan teased.
I closed the door behind me without answering him. “Either,” I said to myself after the door had closed completely.
For Better or Worse
One of my fears has been that my revisions might make the book worse rather than better. So far, I don’t think that has happened. When it comes to description and character development, it seems that more is generally better. The key seems to be to figure out what detail adds to the story, and what detail distracts from it.
Reading back over both versions, I believe that the third draft revisions make the scene feel more alive and rich. As I’ve been revising, it feels like the second draft is an untouched coloring book, and I’m coloring in the images to create the third draft. It’s a lot of work, but the results feel worth it.
***
How about you? What kind of feedback do you get from your beta readers and critique partners? Do you generally feel that they help you write a better book? Does your process look anything like mine? Tell me in the comments!
